Bar Note

Sitting in a high rise building, a beer in one hand my notebook in the other; pathetic life I’ve been reduced to. There is nothing sobering like a grown man sitting in a room, tears rolling down his cheeks. He seems to have nothing worthwhile left to strive for, he’s given his best and t wasn’t enough. The only highlight is sitting through an episode of Spiderman 3. For those 2hrs+, life’s hustles are gone and yes I know none of it is real; fiction to the nth degree. Life hasn’t been so easy the last few months, everything I held dear to me seems to have slipped away from me. Even more sobering is rejection, breaks a man into little pieces when you realise the world doesn’t revolve around you. I sat through the flick and all I could think of was the girl I had the pleasure of knowing. I portrayed a persona resembling Buckingham palace, suave gentleman who thought the world bowed to his power; for a while it did.

You wake up one day and realise you’re not invincible as you thought, all that stuff is in fairy tales and romantic flicks. There is no knocking on the door and being welcome with open arms, it sobers you when you’re turned down. For a few days your little world loses the essence to move on, thank God for mothers. You mother is one woman who will care for you even when everyone else grows tired. When the world seems to walk over you, mothers are there nursing you as they heap encouragement to you. Loving is hard, especially when the door is shown to you and marching orders are issued. Anger, frustration, hatred, disappointment flood in and your little world caves in. It seems like everyone else is enjoying there lives while you lie in the gutter. Alcohol can only numb you for a few days, you know you ought to pick yourself from the pitiful state and venture out. Smile while every being of you has nothing to smile about.

A friend called me in the process of writing this and I just couldn’t continue with this. I could have sworn that a tear rolled down my cheek as I spoke to my friend, she doesn’t know it but that call meant more to me than all the advice I’d received. It meant something because that was what I needed then; leny_len

Kman Productions..............

Unstable

A glass of scotch in one hand and a keyboard in the other, a potentially lethal combination. The last few weeks have taken their toll on me and there is no hiding the effect. Frustration has build to the point that I can't have civil conversations without being rude or portraying an act of desperation. Airing laundry on the blog is no the intention but simply venting my frustration as I see them. Moving on is hard, possible but hard. I've been told than only time will tell and waiting for a solutions sometimes beats beating myself trying to figure out what to do. Easier said than done, emotions rise and fall within the span of a second. One minute there is nothing but joy, the feeling of freedom, the tether has been removed and the next loss kicks in. Imagine you're celebrating and from nowhere instead of an award, you get a kick in the balls.

A lot has happens in the span of a few days, there are somethings I would jot down but frustration does pile and it's only a matter of time before there is a reaction either negative of positive. How do two people make friends where everything around them speaks and smell of despite? Can an individual breathe life in a situation that looks dead even to the most optimistic of characters. bear in mind the glass of scotch is almost empty and, by now the keys are hazy and blurry. There is almost a stench of death in the current situation but somehow I am holding on, what for I am yet to find out. Realistically all an individual can do is work on themselves, hope that fate is on your side and you reap a reward for the effort you've put it. The sacrifice you made, price you paid, but as we know life sucks and nice guys always seem to lose. Do I bite back before it is done to me or do I maintain being the nice guy and get humiliated?

You hold principles so dearly only to realise you can't ask another party to hold to these. If only I had lose principles, life at this moment would be so easy. Why did I have to be principled? A bad boy attitude would probably mask the hurt and maybe draw attention away from me. Maybe the nice guy in this case will win, doubts are more than hope at this point and time.
Kman Productions............