Lessons I should’ve learnt before leaving Kenya

•You pump your own fuel @ the pump, then walk to the counter to pay

•Everybody is smiling @ you, but they don’t know you, nor do they care

•“How are you?” isn’t a queue to highlight your day or how you really feel. It’s merely a courtesy where expected response is, “Not too bad.”

•“Yes or No Sir/Ma’am”, aren’t necessary taken as signs of respect but could be skewed to indicate the other party is your grandma’s age

•Expect to see a teenagers speak back @ their parents, and watch their parents continue the conversation.Despite the urge to jump in and teach the kid a lesson on, “hand meet face”, stay away and keep walking

•You can & will live in an apartment for 5 years and not know your neighbour’s name. Your neighbour’s aren’t necessary your friends, you can’t walk in and ask for an onion, sugar, or salt.

•Unlike back home when you could be in the neighbourhood and drop by, call in advance and find out if they are doing anything. They could be your best friends, there are no kids to send for sodas from the kiosk

•Obese & Fat people aren’t the rich out there; in fact they are the lower class in the society. Take pride in your slim and toned look, you’re considered very healthy and above average

•Steers & Wimpy may have been a treat in Kenya, but stay the hell out of McDs, Hungry Jacks, KFC etc etc. Stick to cooking your sukuma wiki and ugali. Apparently this is the diet of the rich & famous

•For most people, a big car = Big Debt+ working 2-3 jobs to pay it off. Be happy to catch a bus and be debt free. Trains are a great means of transport

•Your neighbour could be having a party while you are @ home eating 0.50ct noodles, you can’t just walk in.

•Tribal heritage is left on the runway in Nairobi, amazing how all Africans become your brothers and sisters. No one will ask you, “What tribe are you?” “What your parents do?” you’re all considered as Africans and foreigners, get used to Odhiambo, Mutiso, Kamau, Akinyi, Muturi, Chebet as your hang out buddies

•A black covered book isn’t necessary a Bible, just because it’s a Sunday; could be a copy of Harry Potter

•Being a watchie is one of the highest paying unskilled jobs you can find. Say a big thank you to Kipkoech as you make it for the airport. Even better, ask him for some tips because in a few months you will be “kipkoech” in a supermarket, construction site etc.

•Office jobs are over-rated, just because you are wearing a tie doesn’t mean a big paycheck, chances are you make $15/hr; Manual labourers make $20+/hr. In simple terms kazi ya mjengo kuna pesa nyingi sana

•Old people are put up in a nursing home and their kids live on as if nothing has happened.

•Your body can, and will survive on 2 hours sleep, you need to pull double shifts and sometimes triple shifts to make ends meet. Daddy’s money or lack off means nothing out here

•Bid farewell to ugali, sukuma wiki, uji, githeri, mutura, goat slaughtering rituals, maembe pilipili.

•Avocadoes, mangoes are luxuries that are consumed once a year, or in your friend’s house. Bloody fruit costs $2-$4 each; you simply can’t go your backyard, climb and shake trees to acquire these.

•It’s cheaper to fly than to drive, not sure how that works.

•Apparently Nigeria is close to Kenya, Nairobi is in South Africa, and Southern Rhodesia is a country in southern Africa.

•No one is impressed by the Word, Excel certificates you got @ the computer bureau that is converted into a college. There are kids in kindergarten have these skills

•Speaking English doesn’t qualify you to write English, don’t be surprised when you meet people who can’t read but speak fluently. Be proud of those hours of composition writing Mrs Kiama put you through

•If you keep converting to Kenyan currency, you’ll never purchase anything. Milk costs $2.00 a litre i.e. 120Ksh, you might end up drinking black tea for a while to come

•Drinking black tea doesn’t mean you are broke, it’s an acquired taste that shouldn’t be use to judge one’s financial balance

•Light, Low fat, reduced fat, 1% fat are all used to describe different kinds of milk. It’s not as simple as milking the cows, pasteurizing and drinking it.

•Bran, wheat germ, oats are not to feed cattle, this is your breakfast not sausages, eggs, and bacon as you may have grown up.

•There are conditions that people suffer from that are ridiculous, peanut allergies, oxygen allergies, h2O allergies (would’ve come in handy in Njiiri High School)

•As amazing as this may be, children don’t eat chewing gum they find on the ground, something about germs, disease or some rubbish