Loss

New year's eve and in a few hours we'll be ushering in 2007, just another day if you ask me. Apparently it's illegal and taboo to spend today alone, worse if you spend in at home. In the previous years I heard friends and family make resolutions and draw out targets for the coming year; most were never achieved. Those in the know profess that having written out goals is a step closer to achieving them, who am I my to contradict them. The last year has been tough, financially, mentally, physically, emotionally let's just leave it @ tough. In a few hours I can start a fresh, problem is am still the same person and probably will do the same things; hence it's just another day for me. I set goals and many a times never achieve them, problem is we aim to high most of the times. Reality always seems to escape us when we are setting our goals, one goal was to gain 10 pounds of body mass through the gym. I've not been to the gym in 2.5 years and I may not be going soon.

Loss is the heading and better get on with the narration; relationships. Every year there are numerous people getting in and out of relationships, what's new? It's one thing when you observe from a distance and it's another story when you are the one facing the incident. We've always been to quick to judge and offer advise to people in relationships that seem to facing hurdles; I know I have. The last year has taught me a few things and coming 2007, I'll be very slow in offering advise or criticizing couples that seem to be in trouble.

Humility has been preached but it's not until you face the situations that realise what exactly goes with it. What is love? People have said that's it better to have loved and lost that never to have loved at all. I beg to differ, here's my take on that (disagree with me please). Love is a choice you make, past the fuzzy feelings that you get when you meet someone there are choices you make. Remember that list you drew when you were 16? Here's mine

Intelligent
Independent
Smart
Beautiful
Lovable
Responsible
5"7 (am 6 foot tall)
Slim
Long Legs
Doesn't smoke
Doesn't Binge
etc
etc

How long have you held and searched by your list? I've spent the better part of my mature life doing just that, looking and somehow forgot a very important quality; one that actually wants you.

I've seen these qualities in many and most of the times I wasn't bold enough to say hi; chicken is the word. The biggest lesson I've learnt , regardless of how much you want someone, if they don't want you you're treading on mushy grounds. Here is where I believe choice comes in, relationships are built on choices and two people making them. A hard and painful lesson to learn.

The next time you see your friends separate, ask yourself what went wrong and before offering advise to either of the party think it through. People can work things out but only if they opt to and decide to take it for the long haul. Lessons I wish I'd learnt 2 years ago, but that is beauty of life you always get another shot eventually. Don't blow it this time and watch out that it's the two of you deciding and not a one sided event. If your smart enough you can read through the lines and the next time you see me, don't ask me the question.


Kman Productions......................................

Belong

I've always wanted to belong but never seemed to ever fit in, somehow I've had to make compromises. I may air a bit of blemished laundry and maybe burn a few bridges by the end of this narration; this is not my intention. Recall to the age of 13-17 and how everything you did was dictated by the friends you had. I recall once in Moi Academy, a group of the boys decided to smoke butwe didn't have cigarettes hence we improvised. Leave it up to us to improvise, we were amongst the greatest minds to ever grace this earth; I know I still am. The next best thing was pine leaves, for some of you this maybe the equivalent of smoking the turf of a maize cobe. The fluffy threads found on the exterior of a maize cobe. Speaking of maize I am still trying to prove that maize are actually fruits but not not seeds, that is another story and another theory.

Our pine smoking expedition went as well as would be expected, we nearly coughed our lungs out; naturally. Fast forward to 2006 am 25 years old and I still find myself trying to fit in by compromising my standards, just to make friends and not be lonely. We all need friends and people to talk to, we really can't be islands forever; even monks have fellow monks to 'monk' with. What's my point? Observe this, the next time you are out in a group of people (friends for that matter) watch how you behave and what you say. I believe that we seek to be wanted and sometimes we are willing to go against our better judgment for that one minute of belonging; I've done it many a times. However, am tired of compromising myself too much, why can't the damn group accomodate my special needs, principles and beliefs? I'll tell you why, most of the time the people there are just compromising like you are. I believe (not proven yet) that there is a mob mentality that dictates how you behave in a crowd. This is the cue for you to throw in a curse word at me, feel free to leave a note.

On a personal note, I am a chap that doesn't really relish alcohol (I enjoy the occasional scotch and beer) but I've found myself going out all the way just because people around me are getting 'wasted'. How do you say no to this kind of evironment? Am afraid of losing the new found company. What will they say the next time there is a party and am on Soft drink all night? Who said that all gatherings have to be binge nights?

Don't get me wrongs, go out and make merry for that is your prerogative.

My opinion, it really doesn't matter what I think, tomorrow is new years eve and I just might enjoy a glass or two. How far am I willing to sell myself short just to belong, you've got a lot more to offer but we always want to belong. Doing what everyone else is doing, it's safe and you fit right in. Take a few minutes after a night out and after the hangover, ponder as to whether the cost was worth the 'fun' the previous nitght. Monetary costs is not my target, I always ask myself whether my body can regerate from what I do to it. Safe to say majority of the time sleep is all it takes, majority of the time; there are times when a bit of devine intervention has been required.

Here's my take on things, am no saint and am probably the most blemished as far as comprimising goes. If you give yourself too much and compromise too much, you'll end up like everyone else. My goal is to be a step above average, screw that, 5 steps above average. I still want to belong though and on many occassions I know I will compromise way too much, am no saint remember. What is the cost you are paying for wanting to belong? I know I've paid the price with 2 years of my life and maybe a few more a long the way. It's a working progress and I hope that in the end, you and I can be 2 steps ahead if not 4. I want to feel wanted though, and maybe that is where the problem lies.

Kman Productions.........................................