Belong

I've always wanted to belong but never seemed to ever fit in, somehow I've had to make compromises. I may air a bit of blemished laundry and maybe burn a few bridges by the end of this narration; this is not my intention. Recall to the age of 13-17 and how everything you did was dictated by the friends you had. I recall once in Moi Academy, a group of the boys decided to smoke butwe didn't have cigarettes hence we improvised. Leave it up to us to improvise, we were amongst the greatest minds to ever grace this earth; I know I still am. The next best thing was pine leaves, for some of you this maybe the equivalent of smoking the turf of a maize cobe. The fluffy threads found on the exterior of a maize cobe. Speaking of maize I am still trying to prove that maize are actually fruits but not not seeds, that is another story and another theory.

Our pine smoking expedition went as well as would be expected, we nearly coughed our lungs out; naturally. Fast forward to 2006 am 25 years old and I still find myself trying to fit in by compromising my standards, just to make friends and not be lonely. We all need friends and people to talk to, we really can't be islands forever; even monks have fellow monks to 'monk' with. What's my point? Observe this, the next time you are out in a group of people (friends for that matter) watch how you behave and what you say. I believe that we seek to be wanted and sometimes we are willing to go against our better judgment for that one minute of belonging; I've done it many a times. However, am tired of compromising myself too much, why can't the damn group accomodate my special needs, principles and beliefs? I'll tell you why, most of the time the people there are just compromising like you are. I believe (not proven yet) that there is a mob mentality that dictates how you behave in a crowd. This is the cue for you to throw in a curse word at me, feel free to leave a note.

On a personal note, I am a chap that doesn't really relish alcohol (I enjoy the occasional scotch and beer) but I've found myself going out all the way just because people around me are getting 'wasted'. How do you say no to this kind of evironment? Am afraid of losing the new found company. What will they say the next time there is a party and am on Soft drink all night? Who said that all gatherings have to be binge nights?

Don't get me wrongs, go out and make merry for that is your prerogative.

My opinion, it really doesn't matter what I think, tomorrow is new years eve and I just might enjoy a glass or two. How far am I willing to sell myself short just to belong, you've got a lot more to offer but we always want to belong. Doing what everyone else is doing, it's safe and you fit right in. Take a few minutes after a night out and after the hangover, ponder as to whether the cost was worth the 'fun' the previous nitght. Monetary costs is not my target, I always ask myself whether my body can regerate from what I do to it. Safe to say majority of the time sleep is all it takes, majority of the time; there are times when a bit of devine intervention has been required.

Here's my take on things, am no saint and am probably the most blemished as far as comprimising goes. If you give yourself too much and compromise too much, you'll end up like everyone else. My goal is to be a step above average, screw that, 5 steps above average. I still want to belong though and on many occassions I know I will compromise way too much, am no saint remember. What is the cost you are paying for wanting to belong? I know I've paid the price with 2 years of my life and maybe a few more a long the way. It's a working progress and I hope that in the end, you and I can be 2 steps ahead if not 4. I want to feel wanted though, and maybe that is where the problem lies.

Kman Productions.........................................