It's that time again

Growing up, most decisions were made for you. Aspects like, what to wear, what to eat, when to sleep were simple and mostly considered trivia. As you slowly began to mature and experience life you got the opportunity to make your version of simple choices too. University is over with, you've landed your first job and now reality kicks in. Mum and dad are no longer making the daily choices for you. They hopefully stand by your side as you forge your own future, occasionally giving their unsolicited two cents; that's parents for us. A time has come to me to finally take a stand in what I believe in, scary but has to happen if I am to move to the next step.

Matters of the heart can be the most grueling to deal with, when heart break is involved. However, very necessary or life to make sense and have meaning. Do you remember your first break-up? Your first love? First kiss? Marriage (hopefully only marriage)? You live your life as best as you can and push the boundaries far beyond that which is expected of you. You fight to keep high principles, despite the huge cost to you as a person. Sometimes it's easier to be a douche, but you've opted to be the best damn man/woman you can be.

I believe perception is very fickle, and many have opted not to live so as not to tarnish that image branded on them by others. We try our very best not to antagonize those around use where possible. However, at what point do you opt to do what is selfish for you? When is the line crossed where all you think of is your happiness and the price you need to pay to achieve it? These are questions I am facing at this stage of my life, approaching 30, career change, relationship changes, physical changes, emotional growth. Can't life simply cut me some slack, allow me to breathe easy for a year or two? Would that be too much to ask.................

Then again, it would seize to be life

Kman Productions (2010)

Lessons I should’ve learnt before leaving Kenya

•You pump your own fuel @ the pump, then walk to the counter to pay

•Everybody is smiling @ you, but they don’t know you, nor do they care

•“How are you?” isn’t a queue to highlight your day or how you really feel. It’s merely a courtesy where expected response is, “Not too bad.”

•“Yes or No Sir/Ma’am”, aren’t necessary taken as signs of respect but could be skewed to indicate the other party is your grandma’s age

•Expect to see a teenagers speak back @ their parents, and watch their parents continue the conversation.Despite the urge to jump in and teach the kid a lesson on, “hand meet face”, stay away and keep walking

•You can & will live in an apartment for 5 years and not know your neighbour’s name. Your neighbour’s aren’t necessary your friends, you can’t walk in and ask for an onion, sugar, or salt.

•Unlike back home when you could be in the neighbourhood and drop by, call in advance and find out if they are doing anything. They could be your best friends, there are no kids to send for sodas from the kiosk

•Obese & Fat people aren’t the rich out there; in fact they are the lower class in the society. Take pride in your slim and toned look, you’re considered very healthy and above average

•Steers & Wimpy may have been a treat in Kenya, but stay the hell out of McDs, Hungry Jacks, KFC etc etc. Stick to cooking your sukuma wiki and ugali. Apparently this is the diet of the rich & famous

•For most people, a big car = Big Debt+ working 2-3 jobs to pay it off. Be happy to catch a bus and be debt free. Trains are a great means of transport

•Your neighbour could be having a party while you are @ home eating 0.50ct noodles, you can’t just walk in.

•Tribal heritage is left on the runway in Nairobi, amazing how all Africans become your brothers and sisters. No one will ask you, “What tribe are you?” “What your parents do?” you’re all considered as Africans and foreigners, get used to Odhiambo, Mutiso, Kamau, Akinyi, Muturi, Chebet as your hang out buddies

•A black covered book isn’t necessary a Bible, just because it’s a Sunday; could be a copy of Harry Potter

•Being a watchie is one of the highest paying unskilled jobs you can find. Say a big thank you to Kipkoech as you make it for the airport. Even better, ask him for some tips because in a few months you will be “kipkoech” in a supermarket, construction site etc.

•Office jobs are over-rated, just because you are wearing a tie doesn’t mean a big paycheck, chances are you make $15/hr; Manual labourers make $20+/hr. In simple terms kazi ya mjengo kuna pesa nyingi sana

•Old people are put up in a nursing home and their kids live on as if nothing has happened.

•Your body can, and will survive on 2 hours sleep, you need to pull double shifts and sometimes triple shifts to make ends meet. Daddy’s money or lack off means nothing out here

•Bid farewell to ugali, sukuma wiki, uji, githeri, mutura, goat slaughtering rituals, maembe pilipili.

•Avocadoes, mangoes are luxuries that are consumed once a year, or in your friend’s house. Bloody fruit costs $2-$4 each; you simply can’t go your backyard, climb and shake trees to acquire these.

•It’s cheaper to fly than to drive, not sure how that works.

•Apparently Nigeria is close to Kenya, Nairobi is in South Africa, and Southern Rhodesia is a country in southern Africa.

•No one is impressed by the Word, Excel certificates you got @ the computer bureau that is converted into a college. There are kids in kindergarten have these skills

•Speaking English doesn’t qualify you to write English, don’t be surprised when you meet people who can’t read but speak fluently. Be proud of those hours of composition writing Mrs Kiama put you through

•If you keep converting to Kenyan currency, you’ll never purchase anything. Milk costs $2.00 a litre i.e. 120Ksh, you might end up drinking black tea for a while to come

•Drinking black tea doesn’t mean you are broke, it’s an acquired taste that shouldn’t be use to judge one’s financial balance

•Light, Low fat, reduced fat, 1% fat are all used to describe different kinds of milk. It’s not as simple as milking the cows, pasteurizing and drinking it.

•Bran, wheat germ, oats are not to feed cattle, this is your breakfast not sausages, eggs, and bacon as you may have grown up.

•There are conditions that people suffer from that are ridiculous, peanut allergies, oxygen allergies, h2O allergies (would’ve come in handy in Njiiri High School)

•As amazing as this may be, children don’t eat chewing gum they find on the ground, something about germs, disease or some rubbish

My Race

At what point did the colour of your skin determine who you were? I’d love to believe that we are in a age where colour or creed shouldn’t stipulate what you are subjected to. However, it is naïve of me to hold strong to such a notion or even desire. I try to avoid any race related conversations that may highlight my increasing discomfort when one group is elevated to be superior to another. At this point and time, after watching another of those movies that highlighted the plight of African Americans in the USA back in the 1950s, The Express I may need to refresh the glass.

In Kenya, I grew up in a small town where your status was irrespective of tribe, colour, family wealth, parents’ occupation, or even how cute your sister was. The only differentiator when I was growing up was how good you were on a soccer pitch, how well you could dance with the ball determined your charm with the ladies i.e. I was aged 9-14. Fast forward to now, am 28 years and all that seems to have changed. My colour in some instances has required that I work twice as hard as my counterpart, just to prove myself as equally capable if not a little better than my peers.

As a black man, in a western world there seems to be the added push to be the best at everything I put my thoughts to. Is this just in my head, or am I actually expected to be better? Obama in now president and some of my people seem to believe that this is a better world for the black man. I am not quite sure, because this in my opinion, takes us to the same page as 100 years ago. Why is it that every time I make a decision that is wrong, I am excused because of the fact it could be a cultural influence? When an Asian colleague of mine blunders, his culture is brought into place and all is excused. However when an Aussie counterpart opts for the same decision, wrath is brought upon him like hell just lost the bet against the Man upstairs. At what point do we have a level playing field, and your results decide who is the better man or woman.

At what point did my race, colour or creed determine how I am to be treated in society? Work hard, do right in your circle of influence, push for excellence from yourself, and for goodness sake leave the rest of that rubbish out for those who have the time to discuss why your colour dictates your effectiveness.

Kman Productions……………………………

Strength Within

Our lives are spent trying to be the best we can be only to realise that there are situations that bring us to the very core of desperation. No matter how many books or literature we immerse ourselves in, there is that challenge you face that warrants us to give up. There is always a situation that seems hopeless and the best cause of action is doing nothing, sometimes just trying to fix it hurts even more. Pain can never be simplified by others as just a phase that will pass, pain is real and the hurt sits right in our marrow. A lesson I have come to appreciate is when we hurt, we should not try to mask or avoid it. It is painful to go through a traumatising situation, let one be little our hurt. Until recently I was of the crede, take it like a man and waltz on but life teaches us lessons. We can take heed or relieve the same lesson again and again until hopefully one day we learn (if we are lucky).

Supporting our loved ones as they struggle is one of the core aspects of being there for them; not necessarily saying anything but being there. If I can be there for you as you go through all the hell there is, you just might make it through. I think we should let our mates mourn, give them all the time they need to handle that which pains them. I think a true friend will be there even when you think you can't do it, when you've given up. I pray that I can be that kind of friend, be there for you even when you don't believe in yourself or when you've given up. I hope that you can be safe in all you do, but all in all that I can be there when it's not all merry and party. I'd love to celebrate with youu but I think the test comes in when my faith is what holds both of us, my faith and hope sees you through this stage of pain. Count yourself a friend if you can persevere for someone other than yourself, truth I've learnt in the last 5 months.

The strength within can only be experienced by hurt and pain that comes from within; I've learnt that first hand and wish it not on anyone. Be a friend to your friend and lend a shoulder when they need one, say nothing and just be there. I hope I can be a true friend in time of need, forgive me if I fail the first time. I too are learning , you are stronger than you think. You may not know it, not feel like it (you will not feel like it for a long time), but I know & have always known that you're stronger than most people. There is that edge in you, very few people have that I saw in you, that will take you through this and help heal physical,spiritual and mental

Kman Productions....................

New Beginnings

A life time is spent trying to figure out what you want only to realise that you had before. It's amazing how we go through life and end up in the same place we started. I think life has a way of teaching us lessons that help us appreciate that which we had. Take a tour to my earlier days, say when I was 12-18yrs of age. I seem to be taking my life back to that era, 26 years of age and the feelings I had then are now easily explained. It took a long time but I think I've learnt the lesson; say what is on your heart before it's too late. How does a teenager know that what they feel is real?

Live life and after a few years you realise if the feelings you had then we real or just a burst of hormones. I've recently read a fictional book titled "The Alchemist" and my life seems to e taking a turn in the right direction. I've been superstitious but after living life through choice and destiny, there is some truth found in the basics of life. It's very true that your dreams don't have to be sacrificed for someone. Life has a way of bringing those that mean the world to you back into your life. I love the way my life has taken a few turns and it's taken a long heart ache to realise that I ha it all. Long before I was heartbroken I had it, there was a crew of friends looking out for me and I'd missed it.

This time round I need to find out for sure what this means and whether this was ever going to b sanctioned by nature or not. Can something come out of a trip am making soon or have I had a friend to the very end?

Kman Productions.....................

Egg Shell

Friends in most instances are well meaning in what they do, doesn't mean they are right. It's amazing how being single now has me aligned to a certain crowd and all meetings are orchestrated to avoid the two of us being in one place together. For a while it was hard and I pulled away from my friends just to avoid being in that awkward environment, the Ex and myself in the same place. It was for the better one would hope, 2 months I stayed away from my friends just to avoid situations that some friends seem to think I can't handle. It's amazing how moving to a higher level you realize after mourning is done, you are stronger than your friends seem to think you are. Some advise to friends, I am past the point of caring what the other does and if anything pity the other party that seems to think am still in mourning. This was probably the one of the best lessons I learnt and it's sad that some friends don't see it. You try to move on and friends act in a manner that puts the monkey right on your back. I am past that relationship and sadly of all people don't seem to want me to get on with my life. Everything am doing is being pulled down by peoples attitude and decisions they seem to be making for me.

There are 4 people that have understood my development from hitting rock bottom to being halfway to the top of the world. Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay emphasis on these words "Choose who you wonna hang out with, am past wanting to have friends that pull me down". I've moved on and after tonight will not associate myself with that past relationship ever. If you want to keep reminding me of the loss, you too might as well join the wagon and kiss my ass. I don't need such people as I garner what it mine and take over. I have one piece of paper to sign and for those that want to stay in the past, this is where we part ways. Don't hang onto someone that doesn't seem to understand what is at stake and not teachable. I don't need to be treated like am an egg, I was 2 months ago that was in May. July is here and you poor bastards that don't stay in touch, May is long gone.

Kman Productions.......

Bar Note

Sitting in a high rise building, a beer in one hand my notebook in the other; pathetic life I’ve been reduced to. There is nothing sobering like a grown man sitting in a room, tears rolling down his cheeks. He seems to have nothing worthwhile left to strive for, he’s given his best and t wasn’t enough. The only highlight is sitting through an episode of Spiderman 3. For those 2hrs+, life’s hustles are gone and yes I know none of it is real; fiction to the nth degree. Life hasn’t been so easy the last few months, everything I held dear to me seems to have slipped away from me. Even more sobering is rejection, breaks a man into little pieces when you realise the world doesn’t revolve around you. I sat through the flick and all I could think of was the girl I had the pleasure of knowing. I portrayed a persona resembling Buckingham palace, suave gentleman who thought the world bowed to his power; for a while it did.

You wake up one day and realise you’re not invincible as you thought, all that stuff is in fairy tales and romantic flicks. There is no knocking on the door and being welcome with open arms, it sobers you when you’re turned down. For a few days your little world loses the essence to move on, thank God for mothers. You mother is one woman who will care for you even when everyone else grows tired. When the world seems to walk over you, mothers are there nursing you as they heap encouragement to you. Loving is hard, especially when the door is shown to you and marching orders are issued. Anger, frustration, hatred, disappointment flood in and your little world caves in. It seems like everyone else is enjoying there lives while you lie in the gutter. Alcohol can only numb you for a few days, you know you ought to pick yourself from the pitiful state and venture out. Smile while every being of you has nothing to smile about.

A friend called me in the process of writing this and I just couldn’t continue with this. I could have sworn that a tear rolled down my cheek as I spoke to my friend, she doesn’t know it but that call meant more to me than all the advice I’d received. It meant something because that was what I needed then; leny_len

Kman Productions..............

Unstable

A glass of scotch in one hand and a keyboard in the other, a potentially lethal combination. The last few weeks have taken their toll on me and there is no hiding the effect. Frustration has build to the point that I can't have civil conversations without being rude or portraying an act of desperation. Airing laundry on the blog is no the intention but simply venting my frustration as I see them. Moving on is hard, possible but hard. I've been told than only time will tell and waiting for a solutions sometimes beats beating myself trying to figure out what to do. Easier said than done, emotions rise and fall within the span of a second. One minute there is nothing but joy, the feeling of freedom, the tether has been removed and the next loss kicks in. Imagine you're celebrating and from nowhere instead of an award, you get a kick in the balls.

A lot has happens in the span of a few days, there are somethings I would jot down but frustration does pile and it's only a matter of time before there is a reaction either negative of positive. How do two people make friends where everything around them speaks and smell of despite? Can an individual breathe life in a situation that looks dead even to the most optimistic of characters. bear in mind the glass of scotch is almost empty and, by now the keys are hazy and blurry. There is almost a stench of death in the current situation but somehow I am holding on, what for I am yet to find out. Realistically all an individual can do is work on themselves, hope that fate is on your side and you reap a reward for the effort you've put it. The sacrifice you made, price you paid, but as we know life sucks and nice guys always seem to lose. Do I bite back before it is done to me or do I maintain being the nice guy and get humiliated?

You hold principles so dearly only to realise you can't ask another party to hold to these. If only I had lose principles, life at this moment would be so easy. Why did I have to be principled? A bad boy attitude would probably mask the hurt and maybe draw attention away from me. Maybe the nice guy in this case will win, doubts are more than hope at this point and time.
Kman Productions............

Tough Decision

Today I make a decision that determines the outcome of many things, how long can one pretend to be holding it together before the card house collapses?

Kman Productions

Dear Friend

Dear Friend,
The last few days have been tough and I appreciate the effort you have put to cheer me up. I realize that I haven't been the best of individuals to hang around or talk to but you have held your ground. The last few weeks for me have been amongst the hardest I've faced, it's amazing I've made it this far. Life seems to have thrown a monkey wrench into my affairs, it seems like I have a feud with the forces that be. I was counting my glory days trying to organize a reunion with those that matter and this happens. I am sure I have said and done things that have tested the bonds of our friendship. Please accept my apologies for being hard headed and stubborn, I guess now you have seen every aspect of me; the good and the bad.

Dear Friend, if you are still reading this then I guess we are still friends. My heart and soul seem to have lost any will to get over the predicament, yet you stand by me. I don't know when I will resume my life, healed and functional as a friend. Dear friend, please take this note as my thank you letter. I hurt, and continue to ponder on the future. Somehow I know I will emerge victorious but it hurts, please understand. Let me be selfish during this time, I know I will be moody and sometimes really annoying. Dear friend, you don't have to be there for me but you've chosen to be there. I am waiting to see who walks away and who stays, I hope you stay and watch me soldier on.

Everything has a price and I've paid mine, more than I'd like to but I have paid the price. Dear friend, I will need some comforting on Monday, a leaning shoulder on Tuesday, a listening ear on Wednesday, company on Thursday, your encouragement on Friday, Shopping buddy on Saturday and a reminder that I've made it on Sunday. On Monday we will commence the routine all over again. Dear friend please don't utter to me "things happen for a reason", these words are not comforting. These words are a sword that go though me like an heated knife in butter. Dear friend, I know we've been through a lot and there is more to come. Give me sometime and maybe I will resume the spark I once hard, snuffed out by this ordeal I face. Dear friend, we've been through a lot and I appreciate the effort you've made. Thank you dear friend, I love you

Kman Productions......................

Tough decision

It's amazing how we tend to live ourselves by what we feel, if it feels good we do it and vice versa. On most weekends I don't feel like cooking or doing my chores, yes I still have chores to do before the end of the weekend. I have them but I rarely if ever do them, I simply don't feel like it. laundry is done when there is almost nothing left to do. Why? You may ask, I can't stand doing laundry and if there was the option of incinerating my clothes after use, i would sign up to that program. The point is simple, we can't always rely on what we feel to live every aspect of our lives. feelings are great but they are not everything that should dictate to us how to do things or what to do. Take I for instance, I am supposed to be learning about Learning Content Manipulation; I don't feel like it and hence I am blogging.

There are choices that we make that sometimes don't seem to be right, simply because they don't feel right; yet we know they are right. If your having a ailment, it sucks to go see a Dr. but you know it's the right to do. Relationships will be the topic for me for a while, simply because that is where I am at this point and time. Investing in one that doesn't seem to be going anywhere is a costly price, it doesn't feel like it at the time but after taking tally you know pain awaits you. There is what feels right and what is right, it may not necessarily feel right. I think some of the signs of maturity are when we begin to realize that we simply can't live on those feelings for long, emotions and feelings will change with time. They are fickle and are bound to change. I've gone to bed feeling excited only to wake up feeling nauseated, I've watched a movies and felt "touched", watched the same movie and felt nothing. Does that mean I am different? No, I can't rely on my feelings to live my life, they are good but I gotta move beyond that.

Tough decisions have to be made, they don't feel right but you know they will affect your future as you know it. have you opted to cut down on junk food only to wake up the next day craving a burger, chocolate or soft drink? Deep down you know it's not good for you but you want it, you feel like it? What do you do then, get subdued or keep to your goals of reducing on junk. I've made a decision that doesn't feel right as far as relationships go. I know it's the best resolution for me, yet I feel like I lost. Truth is, it's the best decision for me and even though it doesn't feel right, I know the outcome is what is best for me. It doesn't feel like it though, hence my point going beyond living by what you feel like doing. Tough decision, RIGHT DECISION!!


Kman Productions......................

Taking a Back Seat

Take a chill pill and relax, wait a few weeks and 'suss' out the situation. These are words that don't go well with me and probably most guys, gets me in trouble and I keep digging myself into deeper trenches with time. The simple aspect of waiting and giving time to think about situations is a procedure I am not familiar with. How many of us are used to getting answers when we want them and how we want them? I am victim of this paradigm, and it is almost costing me more than I am capable of getting back. My mind would like to sit back and relax but there seems to be two beings in me, the logical one and the other that wants it now and not tomorrow or the day after.

How does one tame the lust, demanding nature of masculinity that haunts most if not all guys? I am talking the desire not to be seen as weak in times of crisis, how do you diligently take a back seat and give the other person the space they need? I've noticed that the more I try to be strong, the worse I find myself. I've been told to simply stop trying, that is like asking a guy not to fix things; impossible? No, but it takes sometime and lots of effort, humility and strategy. I am not sure how many of us are willing to admit that it is not easy, not that it's an excuse for being a pain in the rear for the other party. Is someone able to explain to the feminine gender that as much as we try, we always want to be seen as to be doing something productive, contributing to the cause even when we are supposed to do nothing but sit back and wait. I've failed in that area and I am sure I will continue to fail as time goes by, I guess my consolation is that I've admitted to being at fault, admitted I am trying and admitted I'll probably fall back into the same mess; trying when am supposed not to.

Put it this way, if she takes you back then you know it's not that you were perfect but because she chose to do it. It had nothing to do with what you did, God knows we've burned most bridges.

Kman Productions.........................

New Beginning

walking along the pavement you realise that you've not achieved the goals you'd set the previous year, you are not about to achieve them either. There seems to be two thought trails offered by society, one being it's never too late, two forget the past and lower your goals to be more realistic. Whichever you chose you'll know that there is a mourning period where emotions flare from excitment and fear, depression sometimes may creep in. Looking back at the last 2 years there are things I'd like to erase but like history, you simply can't do it. The next best thing is to learn from the history and try and better yourself as time goes by. That is bette rsaid than done, attachement is one of the most dangerous things we could do, dependency on others is dangerous if not plain stupid, moronic is a more civil term.

You're young, that is a plus on your side and you can afford a few more failures before you exhaust your reserviour. The challenge that we face is in knowing when to get a new beginning, when to cut and run, forget the past however hard it may be, soldier on, when to try and hope live blinded by hope that something better can come out of it. Life simply sucks, that is a fact we all can attest to, somethings we can't control. Here's my take on things, you can never control or understand those around you but you can better yourself and control that which you can. Leave the rest to forces that be, worrying about things you cant change is futile. There are plenty of things I can change and I should focus on those. Hence the new beginning, I want a new beginning


Kman Productions........................

Never Say

It's the end of the year and assesments are due, like most of us you're not really confident but yet you've worked hard. In the course of the session, you've had days when you slacked off and days when you gave 120%; that's life. Before the exams you are aware that you've done everything possible to study, you are prepared (or so you think). The exam comes along and you aren't so sure anymore, some questions are more than you can handle. The irony of it is you've studied hard, sacrificed so much to try and get somewhere later in life. As life has it, the assesmenet throws you a curve ball and everything isn't going according to plan. As God is your witness you've worked hard, you know it, everybody knows it.

Relationships seems to be the same, you work so hard to try and make things work and somehow life in it's cruel self throws you a curve ball. In all your attempts to get back in the game you realise your team mates have lost hope and some wouldn't be bothered anymore. As you see it, you could be wrong but halfway through the game, they lost hope. Have you ever watched a team of losers plays, somehow regardless of how the coach tries to motivate them, they've decided to lose. In this situation there is nothing anyone can do, you could hold a gun to their heads but they've already decided they aren't gonna play. I've given everything I could, sacrificed so much trying to get my team back to the game. Sleepless nights sometimes and nightmares wondering how to revitalise the team. Hope has slipped away and anguish is all that is left, the team has be disbanded and nothing but the former glory exists (if ever there was any). Let is never be said that I never sweat for the team, bleed for the team and was willing to die for the team. I guess sooner or later one finds out whether the team has hopes of evre gaining the former glory. All that remains are but bitter memories, teams are beconing but it takes time before one can resume competittion. Somewehere one has hope that a white knight can save the team, only dreams remain and maybe a grain of hope and caution. Learn your lessons when you can and hope not to make the same mistakes twice, thrice if you're a complete moron.

Watch a group o fplayers with nothing but the pride to play for, now this is team you want to gun for. We all want a team we can join, one that is willing to tak eyou in and work with you to better themselves and yourself. If only life was so simple
Kman Productions...........................

Nosal stuff

A simple cough while traveling by public transport doesn't raise as much as an eyebrow, cough three or four times and people may think that you're clearing your throat. Picture yourself on a bus and the person sited adjacent to you has an obvious cold, maybe they are just suffering from hay fever like I do, rather used to. It begs to reason that maybe I never did have hay fever, Summer has just past and I didn't get ill nor did I react to any of the pollen; another story back to the bus setting. The boy next to me is obviously not having a good day, it lunch time and he's heading home. I assumed he'd been asked to go home to rest and avoid infecting the rest of his class. In my hay fever episodes I always knew that tissues were inevitable, invested in a packet that would constantly be in my bag. I guess this kid didn't get the memo on Kleenex day, one sneeze and am ready to get off at the next bus stop. I can't afford to be ill, it reduces my earning capacity since my role is people oriented, all the way.

When was the last time you sat down and observed a child 3-9 years of age? Am asking when the last time some psycho opted to spend the day at the park staring and perverting, just sat down with one of your mates who has a child. In most cases the child will eat dirt, play with dirt, cook dirt cookies and best of all pick their nose. Adults do it too, when they think now one is watching some will pick their nose oblivious to the present company. Tissues were invented for a reason, at least that is what I've fooled myself into believing. Imagine my horror when I am in a bus and a car pulls up, a lady in a power suit (am assuming is going to broker a big deal with her clients, or maybe she could be all dressed up to go clean the park, besides the point). From the bus I can see into her car and she however seems oblivious to our presence. Slowly but sure she lunges into her nose, wiggles her finger for a good minute maybe two and then, my world changes. The sediments on her finger find their way on the steering wheel, at least pretend to be checking for a nose bleed or something. I'd think that what's in your nose is meant to remain in there, unless accompanied by a 'hankie' or the ever reliable Kleenex; if your struggling a old T-shirt may come in handy, the inside of your blouse has also been known to work (in dire needs only).

The boy in the bus has a bad case of a runny nose, allergies can do that (I know that, as I said before). This boy however seems to be short of Kleenex and the next best thing is crouch facing the window, as if we are not noticing the new crouching tiger sequence on the bus. Digs deep into his nostril, performs the famous finger hook maneuver and get the nasty mucus. Put your meal aside if your about to have lunch. I am not sure why I am watching this, most people would turn away (if I did, you wouldn't have this account now would you?). The now finger finds its way onto the armrest, two-four rubs have been known to transfer “gooey” from your hand to the other surface.A few more insertions and the boy was done, here comes the best part. He turns looks at me as if to await his “Golden Globe award for transfer with best effect”, then he rings the bell for his next stop.My mind at this time is marking and memorizing every surface he has touched for my avoidance and even worse marked the bus' number plates to avoid, just in case they missed washing that particular armrest.

Paranoid? Am washing my hands every time I touch a surface, maybe am pushing it but shaking hands is also suffering as I attempt to keep clean of the nose excretions. Have a happy time on the public transport system

Kman Production......................................

Loss

New year's eve and in a few hours we'll be ushering in 2007, just another day if you ask me. Apparently it's illegal and taboo to spend today alone, worse if you spend in at home. In the previous years I heard friends and family make resolutions and draw out targets for the coming year; most were never achieved. Those in the know profess that having written out goals is a step closer to achieving them, who am I my to contradict them. The last year has been tough, financially, mentally, physically, emotionally let's just leave it @ tough. In a few hours I can start a fresh, problem is am still the same person and probably will do the same things; hence it's just another day for me. I set goals and many a times never achieve them, problem is we aim to high most of the times. Reality always seems to escape us when we are setting our goals, one goal was to gain 10 pounds of body mass through the gym. I've not been to the gym in 2.5 years and I may not be going soon.

Loss is the heading and better get on with the narration; relationships. Every year there are numerous people getting in and out of relationships, what's new? It's one thing when you observe from a distance and it's another story when you are the one facing the incident. We've always been to quick to judge and offer advise to people in relationships that seem to facing hurdles; I know I have. The last year has taught me a few things and coming 2007, I'll be very slow in offering advise or criticizing couples that seem to be in trouble.

Humility has been preached but it's not until you face the situations that realise what exactly goes with it. What is love? People have said that's it better to have loved and lost that never to have loved at all. I beg to differ, here's my take on that (disagree with me please). Love is a choice you make, past the fuzzy feelings that you get when you meet someone there are choices you make. Remember that list you drew when you were 16? Here's mine

Intelligent
Independent
Smart
Beautiful
Lovable
Responsible
5"7 (am 6 foot tall)
Slim
Long Legs
Doesn't smoke
Doesn't Binge
etc
etc

How long have you held and searched by your list? I've spent the better part of my mature life doing just that, looking and somehow forgot a very important quality; one that actually wants you.

I've seen these qualities in many and most of the times I wasn't bold enough to say hi; chicken is the word. The biggest lesson I've learnt , regardless of how much you want someone, if they don't want you you're treading on mushy grounds. Here is where I believe choice comes in, relationships are built on choices and two people making them. A hard and painful lesson to learn.

The next time you see your friends separate, ask yourself what went wrong and before offering advise to either of the party think it through. People can work things out but only if they opt to and decide to take it for the long haul. Lessons I wish I'd learnt 2 years ago, but that is beauty of life you always get another shot eventually. Don't blow it this time and watch out that it's the two of you deciding and not a one sided event. If your smart enough you can read through the lines and the next time you see me, don't ask me the question.


Kman Productions......................................

Belong

I've always wanted to belong but never seemed to ever fit in, somehow I've had to make compromises. I may air a bit of blemished laundry and maybe burn a few bridges by the end of this narration; this is not my intention. Recall to the age of 13-17 and how everything you did was dictated by the friends you had. I recall once in Moi Academy, a group of the boys decided to smoke butwe didn't have cigarettes hence we improvised. Leave it up to us to improvise, we were amongst the greatest minds to ever grace this earth; I know I still am. The next best thing was pine leaves, for some of you this maybe the equivalent of smoking the turf of a maize cobe. The fluffy threads found on the exterior of a maize cobe. Speaking of maize I am still trying to prove that maize are actually fruits but not not seeds, that is another story and another theory.

Our pine smoking expedition went as well as would be expected, we nearly coughed our lungs out; naturally. Fast forward to 2006 am 25 years old and I still find myself trying to fit in by compromising my standards, just to make friends and not be lonely. We all need friends and people to talk to, we really can't be islands forever; even monks have fellow monks to 'monk' with. What's my point? Observe this, the next time you are out in a group of people (friends for that matter) watch how you behave and what you say. I believe that we seek to be wanted and sometimes we are willing to go against our better judgment for that one minute of belonging; I've done it many a times. However, am tired of compromising myself too much, why can't the damn group accomodate my special needs, principles and beliefs? I'll tell you why, most of the time the people there are just compromising like you are. I believe (not proven yet) that there is a mob mentality that dictates how you behave in a crowd. This is the cue for you to throw in a curse word at me, feel free to leave a note.

On a personal note, I am a chap that doesn't really relish alcohol (I enjoy the occasional scotch and beer) but I've found myself going out all the way just because people around me are getting 'wasted'. How do you say no to this kind of evironment? Am afraid of losing the new found company. What will they say the next time there is a party and am on Soft drink all night? Who said that all gatherings have to be binge nights?

Don't get me wrongs, go out and make merry for that is your prerogative.

My opinion, it really doesn't matter what I think, tomorrow is new years eve and I just might enjoy a glass or two. How far am I willing to sell myself short just to belong, you've got a lot more to offer but we always want to belong. Doing what everyone else is doing, it's safe and you fit right in. Take a few minutes after a night out and after the hangover, ponder as to whether the cost was worth the 'fun' the previous nitght. Monetary costs is not my target, I always ask myself whether my body can regerate from what I do to it. Safe to say majority of the time sleep is all it takes, majority of the time; there are times when a bit of devine intervention has been required.

Here's my take on things, am no saint and am probably the most blemished as far as comprimising goes. If you give yourself too much and compromise too much, you'll end up like everyone else. My goal is to be a step above average, screw that, 5 steps above average. I still want to belong though and on many occassions I know I will compromise way too much, am no saint remember. What is the cost you are paying for wanting to belong? I know I've paid the price with 2 years of my life and maybe a few more a long the way. It's a working progress and I hope that in the end, you and I can be 2 steps ahead if not 4. I want to feel wanted though, and maybe that is where the problem lies.

Kman Productions.........................................

Sit Back

Been in a project hailed as the next new thing? 6 Months down track you realize that something is missing, motion is beginning to appear forced and transition is not flowing smoothly. You begin a project with zeal and halfway through, it hits you that you may have taken a wrong turn a few weeks ago and slack is now diminishing. Budget tight and deadline approaching, well you got people looking to get the project done when they want it. Relationships could be thought of as projects and most of the times we may have things under control only to realize that down the tracks you missed a turning. With a project, you risk over blowing the budget and having delays, feelings on the other take o a different route.

You invest time in a relationship, heavily invest and somewhere along the line as you review you investment, leakage and losses are beginning to appear. All investors want a return, none of us are out to lose money. Think of it from an investors point of view, visualize a scene in a Wall Street; recession has been announced. How many investors will dump their stocks? I would be the first to call my stock broker, " SELL", cash in while you can the market is volatile. Things are different when matters if the heart are at stake, bailing out when stock prices crush may not always be the best option, nonetheless it's an option.

The thing with options is that the he who stands to lose the most need to assess the sistuation critically before opting out or trying to weather the market shake up. Risk can't be avoided, the only lesson from my numerous management classes was that risk can't be avoided but can be managed. Selling is probably the safest option for a shareholder but what if the market picks up tomorrow and you've shed you shares? It's understandable to want to cash in while they are worth something, after all none of us like losing. Sometimes it's good to just SIT BACK and watch, panic is inevitable but after the panics sit back and look at the bigger picture; what if the market rises tomorrow?

Your stock broker recommends holding on to the stock for a bit longer and if the prices continue to drop, he'll sell and reimburse you on the lose. Relationships are tricky and the share market rules and principles may not tally, they are similar (my understanding). Don't just dump you shares at the first sign of market crush, just maybe tomorrow your share will rise, just maybe.


Kman Productions.............................

He's Back

Many months pass and before you realise, it's been a year, ups, downs and exponetial plots can be made of your last year. I've been asked why I stopped writing, my response? Good question. In life there are stages, each presents different prices. The price I paid was halting this blog, what a price to pay, huh? I quit twice only to realise that the love of writing far outweighs the consequences of what I put forward. The debate is on and maybe past this weekend, narration will commence.

Finances is my next theme, now that my employer has decided to reduce my pay by more than $180 a week. Quit! You might advise, it has now crossed my mind and more inclinced to do so than stick it out hoping that they delay our signing the new contract. The AWA had been a hot topic for the country, for most of the part I couldn't be bothered, I was a professional and I had bargaining power (what an idiot). An email is sent out and no sooner than you read that you realise the financial goals have been derailed for the time being, provided you stay with the employer. You have skills that you believe are worth more than you get, what do you do? How do you get past the comfort and put yourself on the market while retaining a clean slate at work, how?

The answer is quite simple, it's hard, very hard for that matter but not impossible. The goal now is to accumulate the letters of recommedations, file them and wave them at every potential employer. Don't put yourself at the mercy of the employer, we all know they aim to pay you the least possible while maximise on your output.Dare I lie , mastermind a plot to have myself head hunted by a competitor that will offer better training and then I will corner the market and provide my services. Be my employers(plural) competitor, take a share of the cake they seem to want to take from staff



Kman Productions....................................

I don't care

"I don't care what people think of me”, "I don't care what people say about me". I am tired of hearing people say this, why would people be sayings things about you? Have you realized that when someone utters these statements they are defending themselves? People never say this when positive remarks are made, "I don't care that you think am well dressed". This has been my experience, most of the time people who want to do what they want will use this as their defense protocol. "I don't care .........” who are we kidding here; we do care what other people think.

Why else do we shop for the best looking garments, shoes jewellery, groom ourselves; not for ourselves. Our lives shouldn't be based on what other think or say about us but we kid ourselves when think what they say or think doesn't affect us. It's shouldn't dictate what we do, we should however consider why they are saying or thinking like they are about us. What have we done that warrants negativity? Query yourself honestly, why get so defensive when people say something, is there something to be said?

I do care what people say and think I don't live to please them but it helps me judge whether am doing the right thing. People will always talk, we can't help it; plagued. Always doing things to the extreme, just because we don't care what people think. I think the biggest trap we fall into is overdoing things to prove we don't care what others think or say about us. Is maturity doing whatever you want or is it realizing you can do what you want but chose another option? Why is this a generation where so many people can't say no? Let's go drinking, yeah why not. Let's go chick/bloke hunting, why not. You want to hit a joint, why not. Is this freedom or are we kidding ourselves? Do care why people say or think like they do about you, you could be on the wrong (yeah, you could be). On the other hand, they could be bastards that are envious of you. Take heed folks, don't kid yourself in that you don't care, you encourage rebellion on your part, and just to prove that you don't care. I care and you should too

Kman productions ............................